The following is a letter to a friend that came out of a dialog we had a while back. I hope it's worth your while too, I figured I could at least share it.
So I’ll try to write my thoughts out as succinctly as I can. We all know how well that usually turns out.
Basically what I was hearing in our conversation were similar things that I’ve thought and struggled with in the past, and some I still do. I think the key is to go back to what God intends and then to contrast that with what we believe to see where the lies we believe lie (so to speak). Believing, of course, being inherently different than simply knowing by the fact that our beliefs shape our actions and feelings in ways that what we simply know never could.
Like I said, God created Adam perfect, but created him with one apparent ‘flaw’ which was loneliness. Adam searched throughout creation and didn’t find a suitable companion, and so God made him one. Thus loneliness isn’t bad at all, it’s the one area of our lives where we lack but do not sin in the lacking. So to desire a husband is far from wrong, it’s how God created you to be. It not only drives you towards a husband, but more importantly drives you to seek the company of the Trinity.
Secondly, the idea that you can somehow find the right husband by sticking your head in the sand really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it. I agree that we need to be searching after God first and foremost, and that He should always take precedence over everything; even a spouse. The way it was put to me once was to chase after God as hard as you could, and as you were doing so to look around and see who was running with you. That was how they said to find your spouse, to see who was chasing after God as hard as you were.
But you’ve gotta take the time to look around. God created you to do so, the desire is there. To deny it in some attempt at holiness is foolish. I often do this while staring obstinately at God, when He’s telling me to look around and it ends up quite self-defeating. My friend Dave said that if you want to find a rose, you’ve got to look in a rose garden; meaning that if you want better odds at finding the right spouse you need to go where they’re more likely to be. Like church, or your local butcher’s shop (you wouldn’t believe how cute the girls there are). But the key is that you go, you look, and you see what God has for you.
That’s part of the preparatory part as well, I think; the process of becoming a better spouse for whomever we’re meant to marry (if you believe in ‘the one’). We’re refined by the stress and hardship generated as we approach people and are accepted or rejected. We learn that people’s ideas of us can’t be what we base our self worth on, because if it is then our value will never be very high. That we can’t seek them out for consistency and real joy; that happiness gained from relationships is real and good but subject to sudden change.
I think that the process of falling in love and having our hearts broken, though unadvisable in one sense, is also very good in another. We learn that way that only God will satisfy and be the lover of our souls. I was kind of shocked by the idea actually when Dr. Eckman (very closely linked to Crusade) asked us at Project in San Diego whether or not we’d fallen in love. Of course none of us being engaged we were a bit awkward and sort of offered up the “we haven’t found the one” answer. He was shocked by our response and asked what was wrong with us? Falling in love was great and a beautiful part of life!
Besides, falling in love lands on an entirely different plane than even the best of friendships. I’m a proponent of saving your heart as best as you can for marriage, obviously, but like I said as well: even when you’re headed towards marriage it’s no certain thing until the deal is done. You can’t remain emotionally, spiritually, and even physically detached until your wedding day! You won’t know who you’re marrying!
By the time you get married you’re already headed down a path that only leads deeper if taken with the Lord at the helm. You can’t avoid getting hurt in the process, and you can’t know if this is the one or not until the rings are on and the licenses signed. Well, that’s not entirely true, you can know before then but like I said, engagement is merely a formality on the way to marriage. Love requires risk.
God took huge risks on us from the beginning, from allowing us to make choices to giving us the option of accepting His Son’s sacrifice for us on the cross. Especially since He knew that many of us would reject Him. We’re afraid of the possibility of getting rejected. God knew He would be rejected, but He chose to love anyways. Love requires that you put yourself out there and allow the other person to make their decision to accept or reject you without manipulation. You can’t control them, you can’t control all of the situations; you have to do your best to guard your heart and still take a plunge.
But the question remains, how do you guard your heart? I think this is another area where misnomers reign. First of all, guarding your heart doesn’t mean burying it and sitting on it, as I think we often do. Lord knows I’ve spent plenty of time with my own heart as deep as I could put it in the rockiest ground I could find. The problem was that I never really did that good of a job guarding it like that. Some pretty girl would come along and I’d kind of scratch the surface, ready to dig my heart out as soon as it was time.
The problem is that we’re no good at guarding anything, let alone our hearts. We don’t really know the proper times to hold it back or to give a little away. The trick, I believe, is to let go of your heart and give it to God entirely. Let Him hold onto it, and let Him give it to your meant-to-be. I know that this sounds cryptic, and in the same way we tend to place it in our early goals as Christians; at least it’s in our list of intentions whether or not we really understand what we’re saying. But as for me, I don’t think I really believed this was the best way for a long time.
I may have agreed with anyone who said it, and may have in fact known it to be true. They might say “you need to put your trust in God” or “you need to give God your heart” but it meant little to nothing to me most of the time. I’d nod and go ‘mmm hmmm’ in agreement, but I didn’t really believe so far as my actions were concerned. I still took matters into my own hands, starting and stopping relationships where I thought was necessary and putting my own boundaries on things. All the while I maintained control; I did and said what I thought I should when I thought I should, and the results were more often than not disastrous.
Ultimately we need to be willing to trust the Lord and to listen to Him in these things. It’s what we really want anyways, and it frees us to have fun and make friends. If you can only find your value in what God thinks of you you’ll be so free. You can be free to be who God made you to be and not worry about whether or not people like you. Why would you when you realize that the God of the Universe loves you enough to have sent his son to die on a cross for you?
That’s the ultimate acceptance. Often we think that if we could only gain acceptance by some person we look up to, or someone we’re attracted to, then we’ll really have value. For example, when I left home and wound up at New Community I wasn’t used to being in a church where the pastor was so hard to get to. He strives to be accessible, but having such a large church with so many people vying for his attention he can’t be everywhere at once. I grew up a pastor’s kid for Pete’s sake! It was easy to get his ear, but Rob? Not so much. The man is a bit busier, and I don’t have the sonship to fall back on when I want time with him.
So what did I do my freshman year of college? Did I say “well, God has created me to be who I am and has accepted me as I am. I am loved, accepted, doted on, relished, and taught by God Himself. Even if Rob doesn’t know my name what does that matter to me? He’s just some dude and can’t even compare to the greatness of God.”?
No. I said “What the hell is this guy’s problem? Doesn’t he know how awesome I am? I’ll show him!” And so began a long, pointless attempt to gain Rob’s affection. Why pointless? Not because I don’t relish Rob’s affection, he’s good at snuggling. No, because Rob’s affection falls short and proves insufficient as often as it proves sufficient. He’s not unique in this, all people fail and fall short of our expectations (unless we lower our expectations to the point that they simply can’t fail because it’s physically impossible).
I had to find myself in God; my value in the church body didn’t rely on recognition from a pastor but on recognition from God Himself. Talk about swinging things out of proportion! But somehow we do this with spouses and potential spouses as well.
But God really is the coolest, most beautiful, most accomplished, most loving, caring, bad ass guy around (if you don’t believe me about being bad ass, read Revelations, He has a sword shooting out of his MOUTH). If we truly saw Him as He was and then saw that He accepted us not just into His clique, but into His family we would truly be changed. We wouldn’t care that Billy Joe didn’t think that we were cool or that Suzie Cue didn’t laugh at our jokes. So what? I’m loved and accepted by God. Let them ridicule me, they don’t know jack.
And so I think that instead of focusing on what you shouldn’t do, like date some guy, you should focus on what you should do, like lose yourself in Christ. Just let yourself go and fall in love with Him. You won’t regret it. Do this by finding out who He really is, and what He’s done for you (stuff you already know but need to place in your heart). And then one day some guy will ask you on a date and for some reason you’ll think “yeah, sounds nice.” And it might lead to marriage, it might not, but your heart will be Jesus’ and you’ll be able to have a fun time and learn a lot without getting hurt as much in the process.
And then, someday, you’ll think to yourself “I’d rather not live life without this person. In fact, to do so would be stupid.” And he’ll think the same thing since he’s chasing God, and Jesus will allow you to share each others’ hearts a little bit now, and a little more later, and then you’ll get married, and you’ll share some more. But your heart will always belong to Jesus, because He deserves it. And He’s a much better steward of it than you or I.
And then, when your perfect little hubby hurts you badly, you’ll remember that God loves you so much, and through that you’ll be able to forgive him, and he’ll be most appreciative. And then when you hurt him and are scared that he’ll never want you back, you’ll experience the same grace that only someone whose heart belongs to God can give. Because of that power, you’ll succeed in marriage and push forward forever into God together. In fact, if you can find your identity in Christ, you’ll find the whole of life to be infinitely easier. That’s a free life; that’s the abundant life we’ve been promised. Claim it.
