Fears

So I started working on this blog last night because I felt like getting some thoughts down on... paper... well, you know what I mean. The point is that life has been anything but certain over the past year, and it's funny to see how I've come nearly full circle in a process that will probably continue to cycle throughout my life.

So I'm sitting at McDonald's, and I'm going to make myself sit here until I get something written out... and some old guy just stole my receipts. Uh... ok. So... that was really distracting, sorry.

Anyways, I'll try to write through my headache and the random thieves that manage to steal my precious pieces of trash.

Basically I've just been resting on a few of God's promises throughout my time here and through my life and I thought that I would share some of my struggles with whoever reads this. I'll also throw in photos from my weekend in Provence for aesthetic value.

I look at my life and there are a few key ingredients missing by the world's standards. One is having a clue as to where I'm headed or what my life will look like after the next two months. In 2 months I'll be in Dublin, spending a few last days in Europe before heading home for the summer. After that I really don't know what's up.
This winter I really wrestled with what I needed to do after the assistantship in France, where I'd live and what I'd do there. The two most prominent options were Paris and Spokane. One might think "duh" but it wasn't so simple. Film school in Paris sounds rad, but the Master of Theology program sounded great for different reasons. There were a number of things pulling on me in both directions and through it all I didn't fell God leading anywhere. I'd turn one direction and He wouldn't be there, so I'd try the other and He still wasn't there.

His peace didn't rest on me, I didn't know where He wanted me to go.
The second thing I'm missing by the world's standards is a lady. I don't know if there's a plague passing through the states or something but practically all of my friends are getting married this year. I start it off with a wedding in Spokane on May 31st followed by one in Boise June 1st, and then finish up with Dalbey's German wedding in September. And I'm still not finished because I'll be in my friend Erik's wedding in January too. What's wrong with you people?!

Now I don't know if there's anyone else out there who's been saving their first kiss for their fiancee, but this whole singleness thing can be really hard. I mean I'm hard wired to be un-single and here I am stuck in the world of ain't-got-no-one country song tragedy.
A third thing I don't have by the world's standards is stuff. I don't have money, I don't have a car (here at least), I don't have a lot of clothes and did I mention Eastern sucked my future self's wallet dry? So I'm stuffless. More importantly I'm cash free.

Thankfully, like I said, God is good to have given us promises and there are a select few upon which I've not only been resting, but with which God has been transforming my view of Him and the world in general. I'll start with my future plans.

I've been in this clueless position before. Last year I was in fact stuck between two options, debating between interning at New Community or coming to France. There were multiple factors that left me struggling for months as to which I should choose. And it didn't help that I had MONTHS to think about it. Once again, I've had an extended period of time to think and debate, to pray and wrestle.

Among many things what led to my decision to come to France was ultimately my desire to get out of Spokane. I wanted to speak French and to experience something new and exciting. It's a long story, but I went with my desire because it was the only thing that differentiated the two options from each other. God gives us the desires of our hearts, so I had to trust that it was where He wanted me, and after that I felt a great peace about my decision.

What was key in that decision, and similarly with my decision to apply to Whitworth, was God's promise in Proverbs 3:5-6 which says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight." I had to trust that if I would draw close to the Lord and walk as He did in as close of a relationship as I could manage that I would end up where I needed to be.

In fact things became so dark a few months ago and I had such a difficult time seeing where I was headed that I was really forced to put my theology into action. I had to cling to God in hopes that He was headed where I needed to go. I had no choice, I couldn't see three feet in front of me. And in the end, I've ended up with a decision and a great amount of peace. Whether or not I do the program is up in the air still, but the decision to move in that direction was the right one.
Regarding girls my time in France has been AMAZING for me. And not in the way that you (Rob) are thinking. Back in the States there's such a twisted mix of Christendom that plenty of people that don't really believe in Christ as their savior, in God's grace, still manage to call themselves Christians. This makes finding real Christians a bit more challenging, especially if you want to date one. There are other reasons, but those would lead to some intense debates so I'll leave it at that.

My time in France has been amazing for the complete lack of Christian girls. In fact, there are uncensored ads for porn on every street, and it too has been a blessing of sorts. See, every girl I meet here is almost guaranteed to be a pagan, and each one I talk or hang out with drives one single conviction deeper into my heart: I need a God-fearing woman.
I've met awesome, gorgeous, cool and funny girls with great and benevolent aspirations; but each and every one of them is missing something on a level that she cannot supplement on her own. The presence of God's Spirit, or the lack thereof is incredibly evident to me. As Dallas Willard puts it in his book Hearing God,

James, the brother of Jesus, uses the image of planting to portray the relationship of the additional life in the Spirit to our natural, fleshy life. He encourages us to "welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls" (James 1:21). After the "additional" life has been planted in us, our natural powers are not left to run their own way under or alongside the new life; they are to be channeled through and subordinated to that life from above. All are redirected to spiritual ends, appointed to higher purposes, though they remain in themselves normal human powers.

The uniqueness of each individual personality remains in the beauty and goodness of its natural life. But a holy radiance rests upon it and shines through it because it is now the temple of God, the area over which the larger and higher power of God plays. An additional, spiritual life comes through the word of God as that word possesses and redirects the energies of the natural life to promote the ends of God's kingdom.

I'm content to wait on God to find someone through whom His 'holy radiance' is shining in power. The reason these girls and the street ads for porn are a combined blessing is that the desire for a "perfect girl" or for external beauty is losing its grip. I believe that attraction is necessary, I mean if you're gonna make beautiful babies you're gonna need to want to sleep with your spouse. But for guys especially I think the challenge is that we get stuck on that external beauty and we let it rule the day and our subsequent decisions.
The Proverb (31:30) "charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" is gaining sway in my mind. I've always 'known' this, but it's really becoming a belief, something I know and, more importantly, act upon.

In all of this I also rest on God's promise in Isaiah 49:23 that "those who trust in me will never be put to shame." I've been trusting God my whole life that if I hold out on my sexual desires and wait for the right woman to come along that all will go better for me. The world and many of my friends would disagree; I've had plenty of discussions about it both at home and abroad. But as for me I'll trust in the Lord.

Thirdly (and lastly, sorry this is so long) I'm finding contentment with what I have and who I am. God's been freeing me from my insecurities, and helping me to just have fun and be content while poor and often alone. My time in France has been one of the most isolated in my life, and my list of social activities has shrunk notably. I've met some really cool people and had a lot of fun, but overall I'm as isolated from relationships as I've ever been.
And yet I'm so stinking happy. I think relationships are necessary, and I've found some particularly good ones here, but I've also found how much fulfillment and joy comes from simply being with God. My mind returns to Him so often, and I don't even need to say or think anything in particular; we just enjoy each other's presence. He's a good God, and a great friend.

"A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked" (Psalm 84:10).

The best part is how these verses tend to come at just the right moment, and how much they sooth my soul in hard times. God's promises are good, and He stands by them. My time in France has been anything but easy, but entirely worth it. God is so good, I'd suggest you get to know Him if you haven't managed it already.
And if you're wondering what that "other stuff" that makes Christian girls scary you can shoot me a note and I might tell you if I feel daring enough. =)

A letter to a friend

The following is a letter to a friend that came out of a dialog we had a while back. I hope it's worth your while too, I figured I could at least share it.

So I’ll try to write my thoughts out as succinctly as I can. We all know how well that usually turns out.

Basically what I was hearing in our conversation were similar things that I’ve thought and struggled with in the past, and some I still do. I think the key is to go back to what God intends and then to contrast that with what we believe to see where the lies we believe lie (so to speak). Believing, of course, being inherently different than simply knowing by the fact that our beliefs shape our actions and feelings in ways that what we simply know never could.

Like I said, God created Adam perfect, but created him with one apparent ‘flaw’ which was loneliness. Adam searched throughout creation and didn’t find a suitable companion, and so God made him one. Thus loneliness isn’t bad at all, it’s the one area of our lives where we lack but do not sin in the lacking. So to desire a husband is far from wrong, it’s how God created you to be. It not only drives you towards a husband, but more importantly drives you to seek the company of the Trinity.

Secondly, the idea that you can somehow find the right husband by sticking your head in the sand really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it. I agree that we need to be searching after God first and foremost, and that He should always take precedence over everything; even a spouse. The way it was put to me once was to chase after God as hard as you could, and as you were doing so to look around and see who was running with you. That was how they said to find your spouse, to see who was chasing after God as hard as you were.

But you’ve gotta take the time to look around. God created you to do so, the desire is there. To deny it in some attempt at holiness is foolish. I often do this while staring obstinately at God, when He’s telling me to look around and it ends up quite self-defeating. My friend Dave said that if you want to find a rose, you’ve got to look in a rose garden; meaning that if you want better odds at finding the right spouse you need to go where they’re more likely to be. Like church, or your local butcher’s shop (you wouldn’t believe how cute the girls there are). But the key is that you go, you look, and you see what God has for you.

That’s part of the preparatory part as well, I think; the process of becoming a better spouse for whomever we’re meant to marry (if you believe in ‘the one’). We’re refined by the stress and hardship generated as we approach people and are accepted or rejected. We learn that people’s ideas of us can’t be what we base our self worth on, because if it is then our value will never be very high. That we can’t seek them out for consistency and real joy; that happiness gained from relationships is real and good but subject to sudden change.

I think that the process of falling in love and having our hearts broken, though unadvisable in one sense, is also very good in another. We learn that way that only God will satisfy and be the lover of our souls. I was kind of shocked by the idea actually when Dr. Eckman (very closely linked to Crusade) asked us at Project in San Diego whether or not we’d fallen in love. Of course none of us being engaged we were a bit awkward and sort of offered up the “we haven’t found the one” answer. He was shocked by our response and asked what was wrong with us? Falling in love was great and a beautiful part of life!

Besides, falling in love lands on an entirely different plane than even the best of friendships. I’m a proponent of saving your heart as best as you can for marriage, obviously, but like I said as well: even when you’re headed towards marriage it’s no certain thing until the deal is done. You can’t remain emotionally, spiritually, and even physically detached until your wedding day! You won’t know who you’re marrying!

By the time you get married you’re already headed down a path that only leads deeper if taken with the Lord at the helm. You can’t avoid getting hurt in the process, and you can’t know if this is the one or not until the rings are on and the licenses signed. Well, that’s not entirely true, you can know before then but like I said, engagement is merely a formality on the way to marriage. Love requires risk.

God took huge risks on us from the beginning, from allowing us to make choices to giving us the option of accepting His Son’s sacrifice for us on the cross. Especially since He knew that many of us would reject Him. We’re afraid of the possibility of getting rejected. God knew He would be rejected, but He chose to love anyways. Love requires that you put yourself out there and allow the other person to make their decision to accept or reject you without manipulation. You can’t control them, you can’t control all of the situations; you have to do your best to guard your heart and still take a plunge.

But the question remains, how do you guard your heart? I think this is another area where misnomers reign. First of all, guarding your heart doesn’t mean burying it and sitting on it, as I think we often do. Lord knows I’ve spent plenty of time with my own heart as deep as I could put it in the rockiest ground I could find. The problem was that I never really did that good of a job guarding it like that. Some pretty girl would come along and I’d kind of scratch the surface, ready to dig my heart out as soon as it was time.

The problem is that we’re no good at guarding anything, let alone our hearts. We don’t really know the proper times to hold it back or to give a little away. The trick, I believe, is to let go of your heart and give it to God entirely. Let Him hold onto it, and let Him give it to your meant-to-be. I know that this sounds cryptic, and in the same way we tend to place it in our early goals as Christians; at least it’s in our list of intentions whether or not we really understand what we’re saying. But as for me, I don’t think I really believed this was the best way for a long time.

I may have agreed with anyone who said it, and may have in fact known it to be true. They might say “you need to put your trust in God” or “you need to give God your heart” but it meant little to nothing to me most of the time. I’d nod and go ‘mmm hmmm’ in agreement, but I didn’t really believe so far as my actions were concerned. I still took matters into my own hands, starting and stopping relationships where I thought was necessary and putting my own boundaries on things. All the while I maintained control; I did and said what I thought I should when I thought I should, and the results were more often than not disastrous.

Ultimately we need to be willing to trust the Lord and to listen to Him in these things. It’s what we really want anyways, and it frees us to have fun and make friends. If you can only find your value in what God thinks of you you’ll be so free. You can be free to be who God made you to be and not worry about whether or not people like you. Why would you when you realize that the God of the Universe loves you enough to have sent his son to die on a cross for you?

That’s the ultimate acceptance. Often we think that if we could only gain acceptance by some person we look up to, or someone we’re attracted to, then we’ll really have value. For example, when I left home and wound up at New Community I wasn’t used to being in a church where the pastor was so hard to get to. He strives to be accessible, but having such a large church with so many people vying for his attention he can’t be everywhere at once. I grew up a pastor’s kid for Pete’s sake! It was easy to get his ear, but Rob? Not so much. The man is a bit busier, and I don’t have the sonship to fall back on when I want time with him.

So what did I do my freshman year of college? Did I say “well, God has created me to be who I am and has accepted me as I am. I am loved, accepted, doted on, relished, and taught by God Himself. Even if Rob doesn’t know my name what does that matter to me? He’s just some dude and can’t even compare to the greatness of God.”?

No. I said “What the hell is this guy’s problem? Doesn’t he know how awesome I am? I’ll show him!” And so began a long, pointless attempt to gain Rob’s affection. Why pointless? Not because I don’t relish Rob’s affection, he’s good at snuggling. No, because Rob’s affection falls short and proves insufficient as often as it proves sufficient. He’s not unique in this, all people fail and fall short of our expectations (unless we lower our expectations to the point that they simply can’t fail because it’s physically impossible).

I had to find myself in God; my value in the church body didn’t rely on recognition from a pastor but on recognition from God Himself. Talk about swinging things out of proportion! But somehow we do this with spouses and potential spouses as well.

But God really is the coolest, most beautiful, most accomplished, most loving, caring, bad ass guy around (if you don’t believe me about being bad ass, read Revelations, He has a sword shooting out of his MOUTH). If we truly saw Him as He was and then saw that He accepted us not just into His clique, but into His family we would truly be changed. We wouldn’t care that Billy Joe didn’t think that we were cool or that Suzie Cue didn’t laugh at our jokes. So what? I’m loved and accepted by God. Let them ridicule me, they don’t know jack.

And so I think that instead of focusing on what you shouldn’t do, like date some guy, you should focus on what you should do, like lose yourself in Christ. Just let yourself go and fall in love with Him. You won’t regret it. Do this by finding out who He really is, and what He’s done for you (stuff you already know but need to place in your heart). And then one day some guy will ask you on a date and for some reason you’ll think “yeah, sounds nice.” And it might lead to marriage, it might not, but your heart will be Jesus’ and you’ll be able to have a fun time and learn a lot without getting hurt as much in the process.

And then, someday, you’ll think to yourself “I’d rather not live life without this person. In fact, to do so would be stupid.” And he’ll think the same thing since he’s chasing God, and Jesus will allow you to share each others’ hearts a little bit now, and a little more later, and then you’ll get married, and you’ll share some more. But your heart will always belong to Jesus, because He deserves it. And He’s a much better steward of it than you or I.

And then, when your perfect little hubby hurts you badly, you’ll remember that God loves you so much, and through that you’ll be able to forgive him, and he’ll be most appreciative. And then when you hurt him and are scared that he’ll never want you back, you’ll experience the same grace that only someone whose heart belongs to God can give. Because of that power, you’ll succeed in marriage and push forward forever into God together. In fact, if you can find your identity in Christ, you’ll find the whole of life to be infinitely easier. That’s a free life; that’s the abundant life we’ve been promised. Claim it.

Um... I'm on break

I know I have to write a blog about traveling through Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, but I have a lot on my mind. To say that the situations facing me are convoluted would be kind of an understatement, my future hangs in the balance and there's a lot going on. I feel like things are far too profound right now, every thought and feeling swaying me one way or the other.

And yet, at the core of who I am I remain calm. My emotions peak and plummet, racing to the heights of happiness only to be forced to halt by changing circumstances. Whatever I'm going through, it's weird and difficult, but revealing.

I'm not as strong, self-assured, or manageable as I might have thought. If God were to leave me, to remove His strong yet gracious hand, I'd be in serious trouble. And thank God that He won't, despite my irrational fears that He may. I'm being challenged in ways I thought I was untouchable, my determination, passion, and security in God all shown for the weak shadows that they are. Shadows of something they were meant to be, of a difference that Jesus made up for me.

And so now I feel vulnerable, weak, and alone. Not because I am alone, but because what I lack is being revealed to me in areas I thought I was sufficient; even if I would never have admitted such thoughts to myself. And now I sit, staring at these shadows cast in front of me, witnessing a corrosion of my pride, my self-reliance, my capability, and know that it's the best thing that could happen to me now.

It's an answer to prayer too, as the pattern of my life would have it. Often God answers such prayers in ways unexpected, and right now humility is being dished out from directions in which I hadn't thought to look. Oh how I revel in it, though at times the enemy uses it against me, casting guilt and doubt over all that he can.

But I won't turn back, I won't give up on my God in whom I believe all things good, true and holy are to be found. To do so would be folly, for who else can know my heart and cater to its needs? Who else can direct my path to greater heights than I have ever known?

Only the creator of the mountain can effectively guide one to the most beautiful views, and the maker of the heart catalyze the joys felt in the accomplishment of getting there. It would be foolish of me to view the hardship along the way as punishment, or as too much to bear; for he certainly knows what I can and can't handle, and He is good. He is good. So let rejoicing be found in trial!

Only the fools of the world can say such things, and it is in God's goodness that He chooses us to suffer for Him, and with Him. I will suffer, for in the greater suffering I face the better and more beautiful the end result in my life. The harder the climb, the greater the glory for God and the joy for us both. I resign myself to His loving and caring hands, to whatever ends He has intended for me, for whatever trials. For though I may cry and scream and beg and plead, God is good, and His ways are true.

To turn back now would be to fail; I do enough of that as it is. And as I finish this little message, I recognize that in a few months time I may read this with a great sense of irony, reflecting on events that I currently know nothing about. But how can I care? I must count the cost, and I must plunge ahead. My life is not my own, and I won't look back if God gives me the strength.

My life is not my own, it belongs to my God. For He is my God, and He demands all things of me. But how great the reward at the end of the trials, and how worth the pain and suffering and how worth the dying. The dying to myself, casting off all that is of the world and not of me, of what God created me to be. I must become all that Christ is, but only God can accomplish this in me. The paradoxes never end.

And neither will my suffering, not until Christ comes again to reign in His Kingdom and gives me rest. Gives me peace eternal, and joy, and freedom and excitement that I have only caught but the smallest shimmering glimpse of! What a glorious day, when my sins are finally absolved and my heart is healed! My body is glorified and my eternal tasks set upon, for then I shall finally be free to work with Jesus in ways I can only dream of now.

OH FOR THAT DAY! I can't wait, my chest quivers and my eyes water, to see Christ in His glory, I can lose myself in the image. To be captured in His loving gaze, his outstretched arms, to join with Him in all He has planned for me. To hear "well done, good and faithful servant." This is what I live for, and may it be ever present in my mind.

To Jesus be the Power, the Glory, and the Kingdom forever and ever. AMEN.