Fears

So I started working on this blog last night because I felt like getting some thoughts down on... paper... well, you know what I mean. The point is that life has been anything but certain over the past year, and it's funny to see how I've come nearly full circle in a process that will probably continue to cycle throughout my life.

So I'm sitting at McDonald's, and I'm going to make myself sit here until I get something written out... and some old guy just stole my receipts. Uh... ok. So... that was really distracting, sorry.

Anyways, I'll try to write through my headache and the random thieves that manage to steal my precious pieces of trash.

Basically I've just been resting on a few of God's promises throughout my time here and through my life and I thought that I would share some of my struggles with whoever reads this. I'll also throw in photos from my weekend in Provence for aesthetic value.

I look at my life and there are a few key ingredients missing by the world's standards. One is having a clue as to where I'm headed or what my life will look like after the next two months. In 2 months I'll be in Dublin, spending a few last days in Europe before heading home for the summer. After that I really don't know what's up.
This winter I really wrestled with what I needed to do after the assistantship in France, where I'd live and what I'd do there. The two most prominent options were Paris and Spokane. One might think "duh" but it wasn't so simple. Film school in Paris sounds rad, but the Master of Theology program sounded great for different reasons. There were a number of things pulling on me in both directions and through it all I didn't fell God leading anywhere. I'd turn one direction and He wouldn't be there, so I'd try the other and He still wasn't there.

His peace didn't rest on me, I didn't know where He wanted me to go.
The second thing I'm missing by the world's standards is a lady. I don't know if there's a plague passing through the states or something but practically all of my friends are getting married this year. I start it off with a wedding in Spokane on May 31st followed by one in Boise June 1st, and then finish up with Dalbey's German wedding in September. And I'm still not finished because I'll be in my friend Erik's wedding in January too. What's wrong with you people?!

Now I don't know if there's anyone else out there who's been saving their first kiss for their fiancee, but this whole singleness thing can be really hard. I mean I'm hard wired to be un-single and here I am stuck in the world of ain't-got-no-one country song tragedy.
A third thing I don't have by the world's standards is stuff. I don't have money, I don't have a car (here at least), I don't have a lot of clothes and did I mention Eastern sucked my future self's wallet dry? So I'm stuffless. More importantly I'm cash free.

Thankfully, like I said, God is good to have given us promises and there are a select few upon which I've not only been resting, but with which God has been transforming my view of Him and the world in general. I'll start with my future plans.

I've been in this clueless position before. Last year I was in fact stuck between two options, debating between interning at New Community or coming to France. There were multiple factors that left me struggling for months as to which I should choose. And it didn't help that I had MONTHS to think about it. Once again, I've had an extended period of time to think and debate, to pray and wrestle.

Among many things what led to my decision to come to France was ultimately my desire to get out of Spokane. I wanted to speak French and to experience something new and exciting. It's a long story, but I went with my desire because it was the only thing that differentiated the two options from each other. God gives us the desires of our hearts, so I had to trust that it was where He wanted me, and after that I felt a great peace about my decision.

What was key in that decision, and similarly with my decision to apply to Whitworth, was God's promise in Proverbs 3:5-6 which says "trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight." I had to trust that if I would draw close to the Lord and walk as He did in as close of a relationship as I could manage that I would end up where I needed to be.

In fact things became so dark a few months ago and I had such a difficult time seeing where I was headed that I was really forced to put my theology into action. I had to cling to God in hopes that He was headed where I needed to go. I had no choice, I couldn't see three feet in front of me. And in the end, I've ended up with a decision and a great amount of peace. Whether or not I do the program is up in the air still, but the decision to move in that direction was the right one.
Regarding girls my time in France has been AMAZING for me. And not in the way that you (Rob) are thinking. Back in the States there's such a twisted mix of Christendom that plenty of people that don't really believe in Christ as their savior, in God's grace, still manage to call themselves Christians. This makes finding real Christians a bit more challenging, especially if you want to date one. There are other reasons, but those would lead to some intense debates so I'll leave it at that.

My time in France has been amazing for the complete lack of Christian girls. In fact, there are uncensored ads for porn on every street, and it too has been a blessing of sorts. See, every girl I meet here is almost guaranteed to be a pagan, and each one I talk or hang out with drives one single conviction deeper into my heart: I need a God-fearing woman.
I've met awesome, gorgeous, cool and funny girls with great and benevolent aspirations; but each and every one of them is missing something on a level that she cannot supplement on her own. The presence of God's Spirit, or the lack thereof is incredibly evident to me. As Dallas Willard puts it in his book Hearing God,

James, the brother of Jesus, uses the image of planting to portray the relationship of the additional life in the Spirit to our natural, fleshy life. He encourages us to "welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls" (James 1:21). After the "additional" life has been planted in us, our natural powers are not left to run their own way under or alongside the new life; they are to be channeled through and subordinated to that life from above. All are redirected to spiritual ends, appointed to higher purposes, though they remain in themselves normal human powers.

The uniqueness of each individual personality remains in the beauty and goodness of its natural life. But a holy radiance rests upon it and shines through it because it is now the temple of God, the area over which the larger and higher power of God plays. An additional, spiritual life comes through the word of God as that word possesses and redirects the energies of the natural life to promote the ends of God's kingdom.

I'm content to wait on God to find someone through whom His 'holy radiance' is shining in power. The reason these girls and the street ads for porn are a combined blessing is that the desire for a "perfect girl" or for external beauty is losing its grip. I believe that attraction is necessary, I mean if you're gonna make beautiful babies you're gonna need to want to sleep with your spouse. But for guys especially I think the challenge is that we get stuck on that external beauty and we let it rule the day and our subsequent decisions.
The Proverb (31:30) "charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" is gaining sway in my mind. I've always 'known' this, but it's really becoming a belief, something I know and, more importantly, act upon.

In all of this I also rest on God's promise in Isaiah 49:23 that "those who trust in me will never be put to shame." I've been trusting God my whole life that if I hold out on my sexual desires and wait for the right woman to come along that all will go better for me. The world and many of my friends would disagree; I've had plenty of discussions about it both at home and abroad. But as for me I'll trust in the Lord.

Thirdly (and lastly, sorry this is so long) I'm finding contentment with what I have and who I am. God's been freeing me from my insecurities, and helping me to just have fun and be content while poor and often alone. My time in France has been one of the most isolated in my life, and my list of social activities has shrunk notably. I've met some really cool people and had a lot of fun, but overall I'm as isolated from relationships as I've ever been.
And yet I'm so stinking happy. I think relationships are necessary, and I've found some particularly good ones here, but I've also found how much fulfillment and joy comes from simply being with God. My mind returns to Him so often, and I don't even need to say or think anything in particular; we just enjoy each other's presence. He's a good God, and a great friend.

"A single day in your courts is better than a thousand anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the house of my God than live the good life in the homes of the wicked" (Psalm 84:10).

The best part is how these verses tend to come at just the right moment, and how much they sooth my soul in hard times. God's promises are good, and He stands by them. My time in France has been anything but easy, but entirely worth it. God is so good, I'd suggest you get to know Him if you haven't managed it already.
And if you're wondering what that "other stuff" that makes Christian girls scary you can shoot me a note and I might tell you if I feel daring enough. =)