My life is not my own, this is something that continues to get shoved down my throat at one point or another. I hope to write this as a spiritual act of worship, to figure things out with the help of my Lord by writing. I only hope it pleases Him and brings Him glory.
The last few months have been crazy, I graduated from college, worked two new jobs and have been preparing to leave the country. During finals week of my last quarter at Eastern I took my insurance licensing course, consisting of 36 hours of class in four days. I then proceeded to work for Aflac which, though a good company, proved nearly fruitless. Thankfully I've been working for the university doing graphic design as well, a blessing for sure.
Moving into fall I look back on this summer and lament my failings before God. My inability to come to complete grips with Him. This in the sense that I had not felt His presence strongly in a long time, and still don't feel it as I used to. I struggled with why this was, often thinking that perhaps God had pulled Himself back from me as though to show me how much I needed Him. I think the quote my mom gave me applies well however, "when God seems far away, guess who moved?"
I think the obvious answer, when considering my God my Rock, my Fortress, would be me. I've given my worship to other things, my time and my energy to good things, but not to Him first and foremost. He asks so little of me... and after having given me so much.
What have I done? God has given me so much! From an education and privilege to a family that loves me, and friends who care for me. He's given me my life; I grow and continue to fly towards that for which I was created. How could I be such a fool as to throw it aside and think for even a second that I was more knowledgeable than my God, who created me? How could I even think to blame Him for my rotten state when all He wants for me is what is good, what is best. Thankfully for me He capitalizes on my mistakes and sanctifies me further in His grace.
What have I done? I'm a fool! I traded the truth of God for a lie and thought I could find satisfaction elsewhere. I doubted His promise, though He has never let me down. I have worshiped the creation instead of the Creator, and despised the name of Christ as I took it in vain by my actions. I am vile, and I am lowly.
But I am high, and created with fear and wonder. Though my sinful nature desires to destroy me, and fights against the will of the Spirit, God is present in me. Redeeming me. Saving me. The guises that sin wears are revealed for what they are in the piercing light of the cross. I am so blind to myself on my own, how glad I am for the guidance of my Lord. I am not worthless, I am no fool. I have simply made foolish decisions, but God makes me wise. God grants me strength and levels the playing field with my enemy. In fact He places my enemies under my feet.
Who am I to complain to such a loving and benevolent God? He desires honesty, and so I must reveal the weakness of my heart. I must share my doubts and the reasons by which I maintain my acts of disobedience. This is not bad, in fact it is excellent. I maintain a right view of myself. A view which proves that it is my weakness and failing that stunts my faith, not God's weakness or failings (because they do not exist). If I see this correctly, and share those places in my heart with God, He responds overwhelmingly and my doubts are removed. My fears are relieved, my anxious heart is calmed.
I feel foolish because I hardly finish my sentence in prayer before God grants me peace, and I think how silly I was to have ever feared or doubted Him to begin with! He is infinite, omniscient, omnipotent! What could possibly occur in my life that God, the creator of all things, could not deal with? I am a fool indeed; may God be praised that He can love and use fools like me. In my incompetence He is competent, in my weakness He is strong.
May God be praised, and His name honored among the nations. May I diminish in 'greatness' as God's glory shines through. I've always wondered how I could seek God's glory instead of my own, and yet understand that as His name is hallowed further, so too am I glorified by sharing His glory.
I think I found the answer while watching the Fellowship of the Ring the other night. Boromir, a major character, is so concerned with the glory of Gondor, his nation, his people. He wants his country to shine again and stand in power over her adversaries. It struck me, that though the average soldier from Gondor may be nameless, and though her captains are merely men, when they ride to battle or enter a council the name of Gondor magnifies their presence. As they represent Gondor in battle their enemies tremble at the sight. Not because they are individually renown warriors, or terrifying in appearance, but because the resplendence of their nation and her reputation precedes them.
If I am a servant of the Most High God and seek to advance His kingdom, then His glory truly is something I can affect. Perhaps the demons will shake a tiny bit harder and the nations will bow just a little bit more because of my efforts, if at all. But if I can have any effect on this world, I'd rather what little energy I have be poured into something that will last forever. This is far greater than spending my lifetime on making a name for myself which wouldn't last more than a century. If I was lucky that is.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:31-39
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