Slacker

I realized that each month I've been here the number of posts on my blog has dropped progressively by one, and I was going to try to rectify that this month. Looks like I'm on the route to failure on that.

I also realized I've posted fewer pictures, so I was hoping to change that too (as people prefer pretty pictures to rambling rants). But instead of posting tons of pictures I posted links to my albums on facebook on the right side of my blog. You can click on them and check out my photos even if you don't have a facebook account. I was going to at least post a few, but I'm having serious internet problems so if there aren't any pictures in this when you read it just click on the albums on Facebook for now.

I've had a number of trips and met some cool people, and I'm not sure really what to write about. But I did visit John Mark in Antibes, along with his loverly room mates...

I'll tell you a little about two guys who are progressively enriching my life, how about that? I met John Mark, a tall baseball player from Tennessee, when I was getting my medical exam with the other assistants in Nice. Turned out he was a Christian and was looking for a church, and thusthat relationship was started .

The other is Justus (of whom I have yet to get a photo, he's illusive), a church planter with CA here near Nice in a town called Sophia-Antipolis. He's a great guy as well who I got hooked up with through Rob and his connections with CA.

We've been doing a little weekly Bible study that's turned more and more into a discussion hour, and it's been really good. Reading large chunks of scripture together every week and then talking about it, praying together... it's been great.

Jon Mark is the current champion of the group, however, as he had a recent hunting experience quite unlike any he'd ever had in America. And he's an accomplished hunter.


After boar hunting (yes, boar hunting), the French family that took him out went after birds and ended up shooting a bunch of small, sparrow-like creatures. They brought them home, plucked the feathers off, and threw them in the oven.

They then proceeded to sit down and eat the entire bird. They weren't like pheasants, or ducks, they were seriously little bitty birds and there were three to a plate. And when I say entire bird, I mean entire bird. JM said he was a bit shocked because they didn't just pull off the meat (the breast of the bird being about the size of his thumbnail), they bit straight in. He knew he was in for it when the dad just took a bird and bit its head off, chewed the skull up nicely, and swallowed.

What he'd gotten himself into he wasn't sure, but the manly man that he is he proceeded to eat the birds set before him. He wondered why no one was eating the toast on the table when suddenly the guy next to him cracked a bird's rib cage open, scooped out the entrails, and spread them on the toast like jam.

And so JM did the same and choked all it down. John Mark Walls is a true southern hero. And he's quite single ladies ;)

And that'll do for today. I'll try to get more on the internets here as soon as I can. And don't forget to click on the links to photo albums on facebook if you're in the mood for some French photos.

A letter to a friend

The following is a letter to a friend that came out of a dialog we had a while back. I hope it's worth your while too, I figured I could at least share it.

So I’ll try to write my thoughts out as succinctly as I can. We all know how well that usually turns out.

Basically what I was hearing in our conversation were similar things that I’ve thought and struggled with in the past, and some I still do. I think the key is to go back to what God intends and then to contrast that with what we believe to see where the lies we believe lie (so to speak). Believing, of course, being inherently different than simply knowing by the fact that our beliefs shape our actions and feelings in ways that what we simply know never could.

Like I said, God created Adam perfect, but created him with one apparent ‘flaw’ which was loneliness. Adam searched throughout creation and didn’t find a suitable companion, and so God made him one. Thus loneliness isn’t bad at all, it’s the one area of our lives where we lack but do not sin in the lacking. So to desire a husband is far from wrong, it’s how God created you to be. It not only drives you towards a husband, but more importantly drives you to seek the company of the Trinity.

Secondly, the idea that you can somehow find the right husband by sticking your head in the sand really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it. I agree that we need to be searching after God first and foremost, and that He should always take precedence over everything; even a spouse. The way it was put to me once was to chase after God as hard as you could, and as you were doing so to look around and see who was running with you. That was how they said to find your spouse, to see who was chasing after God as hard as you were.

But you’ve gotta take the time to look around. God created you to do so, the desire is there. To deny it in some attempt at holiness is foolish. I often do this while staring obstinately at God, when He’s telling me to look around and it ends up quite self-defeating. My friend Dave said that if you want to find a rose, you’ve got to look in a rose garden; meaning that if you want better odds at finding the right spouse you need to go where they’re more likely to be. Like church, or your local butcher’s shop (you wouldn’t believe how cute the girls there are). But the key is that you go, you look, and you see what God has for you.

That’s part of the preparatory part as well, I think; the process of becoming a better spouse for whomever we’re meant to marry (if you believe in ‘the one’). We’re refined by the stress and hardship generated as we approach people and are accepted or rejected. We learn that people’s ideas of us can’t be what we base our self worth on, because if it is then our value will never be very high. That we can’t seek them out for consistency and real joy; that happiness gained from relationships is real and good but subject to sudden change.

I think that the process of falling in love and having our hearts broken, though unadvisable in one sense, is also very good in another. We learn that way that only God will satisfy and be the lover of our souls. I was kind of shocked by the idea actually when Dr. Eckman (very closely linked to Crusade) asked us at Project in San Diego whether or not we’d fallen in love. Of course none of us being engaged we were a bit awkward and sort of offered up the “we haven’t found the one” answer. He was shocked by our response and asked what was wrong with us? Falling in love was great and a beautiful part of life!

Besides, falling in love lands on an entirely different plane than even the best of friendships. I’m a proponent of saving your heart as best as you can for marriage, obviously, but like I said as well: even when you’re headed towards marriage it’s no certain thing until the deal is done. You can’t remain emotionally, spiritually, and even physically detached until your wedding day! You won’t know who you’re marrying!

By the time you get married you’re already headed down a path that only leads deeper if taken with the Lord at the helm. You can’t avoid getting hurt in the process, and you can’t know if this is the one or not until the rings are on and the licenses signed. Well, that’s not entirely true, you can know before then but like I said, engagement is merely a formality on the way to marriage. Love requires risk.

God took huge risks on us from the beginning, from allowing us to make choices to giving us the option of accepting His Son’s sacrifice for us on the cross. Especially since He knew that many of us would reject Him. We’re afraid of the possibility of getting rejected. God knew He would be rejected, but He chose to love anyways. Love requires that you put yourself out there and allow the other person to make their decision to accept or reject you without manipulation. You can’t control them, you can’t control all of the situations; you have to do your best to guard your heart and still take a plunge.

But the question remains, how do you guard your heart? I think this is another area where misnomers reign. First of all, guarding your heart doesn’t mean burying it and sitting on it, as I think we often do. Lord knows I’ve spent plenty of time with my own heart as deep as I could put it in the rockiest ground I could find. The problem was that I never really did that good of a job guarding it like that. Some pretty girl would come along and I’d kind of scratch the surface, ready to dig my heart out as soon as it was time.

The problem is that we’re no good at guarding anything, let alone our hearts. We don’t really know the proper times to hold it back or to give a little away. The trick, I believe, is to let go of your heart and give it to God entirely. Let Him hold onto it, and let Him give it to your meant-to-be. I know that this sounds cryptic, and in the same way we tend to place it in our early goals as Christians; at least it’s in our list of intentions whether or not we really understand what we’re saying. But as for me, I don’t think I really believed this was the best way for a long time.

I may have agreed with anyone who said it, and may have in fact known it to be true. They might say “you need to put your trust in God” or “you need to give God your heart” but it meant little to nothing to me most of the time. I’d nod and go ‘mmm hmmm’ in agreement, but I didn’t really believe so far as my actions were concerned. I still took matters into my own hands, starting and stopping relationships where I thought was necessary and putting my own boundaries on things. All the while I maintained control; I did and said what I thought I should when I thought I should, and the results were more often than not disastrous.

Ultimately we need to be willing to trust the Lord and to listen to Him in these things. It’s what we really want anyways, and it frees us to have fun and make friends. If you can only find your value in what God thinks of you you’ll be so free. You can be free to be who God made you to be and not worry about whether or not people like you. Why would you when you realize that the God of the Universe loves you enough to have sent his son to die on a cross for you?

That’s the ultimate acceptance. Often we think that if we could only gain acceptance by some person we look up to, or someone we’re attracted to, then we’ll really have value. For example, when I left home and wound up at New Community I wasn’t used to being in a church where the pastor was so hard to get to. He strives to be accessible, but having such a large church with so many people vying for his attention he can’t be everywhere at once. I grew up a pastor’s kid for Pete’s sake! It was easy to get his ear, but Rob? Not so much. The man is a bit busier, and I don’t have the sonship to fall back on when I want time with him.

So what did I do my freshman year of college? Did I say “well, God has created me to be who I am and has accepted me as I am. I am loved, accepted, doted on, relished, and taught by God Himself. Even if Rob doesn’t know my name what does that matter to me? He’s just some dude and can’t even compare to the greatness of God.”?

No. I said “What the hell is this guy’s problem? Doesn’t he know how awesome I am? I’ll show him!” And so began a long, pointless attempt to gain Rob’s affection. Why pointless? Not because I don’t relish Rob’s affection, he’s good at snuggling. No, because Rob’s affection falls short and proves insufficient as often as it proves sufficient. He’s not unique in this, all people fail and fall short of our expectations (unless we lower our expectations to the point that they simply can’t fail because it’s physically impossible).

I had to find myself in God; my value in the church body didn’t rely on recognition from a pastor but on recognition from God Himself. Talk about swinging things out of proportion! But somehow we do this with spouses and potential spouses as well.

But God really is the coolest, most beautiful, most accomplished, most loving, caring, bad ass guy around (if you don’t believe me about being bad ass, read Revelations, He has a sword shooting out of his MOUTH). If we truly saw Him as He was and then saw that He accepted us not just into His clique, but into His family we would truly be changed. We wouldn’t care that Billy Joe didn’t think that we were cool or that Suzie Cue didn’t laugh at our jokes. So what? I’m loved and accepted by God. Let them ridicule me, they don’t know jack.

And so I think that instead of focusing on what you shouldn’t do, like date some guy, you should focus on what you should do, like lose yourself in Christ. Just let yourself go and fall in love with Him. You won’t regret it. Do this by finding out who He really is, and what He’s done for you (stuff you already know but need to place in your heart). And then one day some guy will ask you on a date and for some reason you’ll think “yeah, sounds nice.” And it might lead to marriage, it might not, but your heart will be Jesus’ and you’ll be able to have a fun time and learn a lot without getting hurt as much in the process.

And then, someday, you’ll think to yourself “I’d rather not live life without this person. In fact, to do so would be stupid.” And he’ll think the same thing since he’s chasing God, and Jesus will allow you to share each others’ hearts a little bit now, and a little more later, and then you’ll get married, and you’ll share some more. But your heart will always belong to Jesus, because He deserves it. And He’s a much better steward of it than you or I.

And then, when your perfect little hubby hurts you badly, you’ll remember that God loves you so much, and through that you’ll be able to forgive him, and he’ll be most appreciative. And then when you hurt him and are scared that he’ll never want you back, you’ll experience the same grace that only someone whose heart belongs to God can give. Because of that power, you’ll succeed in marriage and push forward forever into God together. In fact, if you can find your identity in Christ, you’ll find the whole of life to be infinitely easier. That’s a free life; that’s the abundant life we’ve been promised. Claim it.

Um... I'm on break

I know I have to write a blog about traveling through Germany, Austria, and Switzerland, but I have a lot on my mind. To say that the situations facing me are convoluted would be kind of an understatement, my future hangs in the balance and there's a lot going on. I feel like things are far too profound right now, every thought and feeling swaying me one way or the other.

And yet, at the core of who I am I remain calm. My emotions peak and plummet, racing to the heights of happiness only to be forced to halt by changing circumstances. Whatever I'm going through, it's weird and difficult, but revealing.

I'm not as strong, self-assured, or manageable as I might have thought. If God were to leave me, to remove His strong yet gracious hand, I'd be in serious trouble. And thank God that He won't, despite my irrational fears that He may. I'm being challenged in ways I thought I was untouchable, my determination, passion, and security in God all shown for the weak shadows that they are. Shadows of something they were meant to be, of a difference that Jesus made up for me.

And so now I feel vulnerable, weak, and alone. Not because I am alone, but because what I lack is being revealed to me in areas I thought I was sufficient; even if I would never have admitted such thoughts to myself. And now I sit, staring at these shadows cast in front of me, witnessing a corrosion of my pride, my self-reliance, my capability, and know that it's the best thing that could happen to me now.

It's an answer to prayer too, as the pattern of my life would have it. Often God answers such prayers in ways unexpected, and right now humility is being dished out from directions in which I hadn't thought to look. Oh how I revel in it, though at times the enemy uses it against me, casting guilt and doubt over all that he can.

But I won't turn back, I won't give up on my God in whom I believe all things good, true and holy are to be found. To do so would be folly, for who else can know my heart and cater to its needs? Who else can direct my path to greater heights than I have ever known?

Only the creator of the mountain can effectively guide one to the most beautiful views, and the maker of the heart catalyze the joys felt in the accomplishment of getting there. It would be foolish of me to view the hardship along the way as punishment, or as too much to bear; for he certainly knows what I can and can't handle, and He is good. He is good. So let rejoicing be found in trial!

Only the fools of the world can say such things, and it is in God's goodness that He chooses us to suffer for Him, and with Him. I will suffer, for in the greater suffering I face the better and more beautiful the end result in my life. The harder the climb, the greater the glory for God and the joy for us both. I resign myself to His loving and caring hands, to whatever ends He has intended for me, for whatever trials. For though I may cry and scream and beg and plead, God is good, and His ways are true.

To turn back now would be to fail; I do enough of that as it is. And as I finish this little message, I recognize that in a few months time I may read this with a great sense of irony, reflecting on events that I currently know nothing about. But how can I care? I must count the cost, and I must plunge ahead. My life is not my own, and I won't look back if God gives me the strength.

My life is not my own, it belongs to my God. For He is my God, and He demands all things of me. But how great the reward at the end of the trials, and how worth the pain and suffering and how worth the dying. The dying to myself, casting off all that is of the world and not of me, of what God created me to be. I must become all that Christ is, but only God can accomplish this in me. The paradoxes never end.

And neither will my suffering, not until Christ comes again to reign in His Kingdom and gives me rest. Gives me peace eternal, and joy, and freedom and excitement that I have only caught but the smallest shimmering glimpse of! What a glorious day, when my sins are finally absolved and my heart is healed! My body is glorified and my eternal tasks set upon, for then I shall finally be free to work with Jesus in ways I can only dream of now.

OH FOR THAT DAY! I can't wait, my chest quivers and my eyes water, to see Christ in His glory, I can lose myself in the image. To be captured in His loving gaze, his outstretched arms, to join with Him in all He has planned for me. To hear "well done, good and faithful servant." This is what I live for, and may it be ever present in my mind.

To Jesus be the Power, the Glory, and the Kingdom forever and ever. AMEN.

Transitions

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. - Romans 12:1

My life is not my own, this is something that continues to get shoved down my throat at one point or another. I hope to write this as a spiritual act of worship, to figure things out with the help of my Lord by writing. I only hope it pleases Him and brings Him glory.



The last few months have been crazy, I graduated from college, worked two new jobs and have been preparing to leave the country. During finals week of my last quarter at Eastern I took my insurance licensing course, consisting of 36 hours of class in four days. I then proceeded to work for Aflac which, though a good company, proved nearly fruitless. Thankfully I've been working for the university doing graphic design as well, a blessing for sure.



Moving into fall I look back on this summer and lament my failings before God. My inability to come to complete grips with Him. This in the sense that I had not felt His presence strongly in a long time, and still don't feel it as I used to. I struggled with why this was, often thinking that perhaps God had pulled Himself back from me as though to show me how much I needed Him. I think the quote my mom gave me applies well however, "when God seems far away, guess who moved?"



I think the obvious answer, when considering my God my Rock, my Fortress, would be me. I've given my worship to other things, my time and my energy to good things, but not to Him first and foremost. He asks so little of me... and after having given me so much.



What have I done? God has given me so much! From an education and privilege to a family that loves me, and friends who care for me. He's given me my life; I grow and continue to fly towards that for which I was created. How could I be such a fool as to throw it aside and think for even a second that I was more knowledgeable than my God, who created me? How could I even think to blame Him for my rotten state when all He wants for me is what is good, what is best. Thankfully for me He capitalizes on my mistakes and sanctifies me further in His grace.



What have I done? I'm a fool! I traded the truth of God for a lie and thought I could find satisfaction elsewhere. I doubted His promise, though He has never let me down. I have worshiped the creation instead of the Creator, and despised the name of Christ as I took it in vain by my actions. I am vile, and I am lowly.



But I am high, and created with fear and wonder. Though my sinful nature desires to destroy me, and fights against the will of the Spirit, God is present in me. Redeeming me. Saving me. The guises that sin wears are revealed for what they are in the piercing light of the cross. I am so blind to myself on my own, how glad I am for the guidance of my Lord. I am not worthless, I am no fool. I have simply made foolish decisions, but God makes me wise. God grants me strength and levels the playing field with my enemy. In fact He places my enemies under my feet.



Who am I to complain to such a loving and benevolent God? He desires honesty, and so I must reveal the weakness of my heart. I must share my doubts and the reasons by which I maintain my acts of disobedience. This is not bad, in fact it is excellent. I maintain a right view of myself. A view which proves that it is my weakness and failing that stunts my faith, not God's weakness or failings (because they do not exist). If I see this correctly, and share those places in my heart with God, He responds overwhelmingly and my doubts are removed. My fears are relieved, my anxious heart is calmed.



I feel foolish because I hardly finish my sentence in prayer before God grants me peace, and I think how silly I was to have ever feared or doubted Him to begin with! He is infinite, omniscient, omnipotent! What could possibly occur in my life that God, the creator of all things, could not deal with? I am a fool indeed; may God be praised that He can love and use fools like me. In my incompetence He is competent, in my weakness He is strong.



May God be praised, and His name honored among the nations. May I diminish in 'greatness' as God's glory shines through. I've always wondered how I could seek God's glory instead of my own, and yet understand that as His name is hallowed further, so too am I glorified by sharing His glory.



I think I found the answer while watching the Fellowship of the Ring the other night. Boromir, a major character, is so concerned with the glory of Gondor, his nation, his people. He wants his country to shine again and stand in power over her adversaries. It struck me, that though the average soldier from Gondor may be nameless, and though her captains are merely men, when they ride to battle or enter a council the name of Gondor magnifies their presence. As they represent Gondor in battle their enemies tremble at the sight. Not because they are individually renown warriors, or terrifying in appearance, but because the resplendence of their nation and her reputation precedes them.



If I am a servant of the Most High God and seek to advance His kingdom, then His glory truly is something I can affect. Perhaps the demons will shake a tiny bit harder and the nations will bow just a little bit more because of my efforts, if at all. But if I can have any effect on this world, I'd rather what little energy I have be poured into something that will last forever. This is far greater than spending my lifetime on making a name for myself which wouldn't last more than a century. If I was lucky that is.



What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,


"For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:31-39